Welp...herpes.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
