Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
