i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
