I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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