I'm jealous of your bromance
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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