Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize