the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
