I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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