...so i touched it.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize