I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
