i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
