anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
false alarm, still single
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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