i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
