I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
