i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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