I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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