Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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