chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
