you lied. pity sex is amazing.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize