i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
