If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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