tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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