He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My ass is underappreciated
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
