ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
we made out on top of his cat.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
