It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
