I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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