He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
