All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize