My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
