I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
