Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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