oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
