I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
