I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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