Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
