She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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