So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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