It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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