I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
