I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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