at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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