I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
pray to the hookup gods
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
