I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize