I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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