What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize