did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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