I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
