I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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