Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
birth control should be required to get into college
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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