my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
