You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
