wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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