Already got asked if we're dating
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
