She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
