It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We have started to decorate penises.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize