So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
