i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
