You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
